


Both Moonlight and Starshine

by thaneofkneazles



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Remus Lupin, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Body Dysphoria, Bullying, Canon-Typical Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Dysphoria, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Eventual Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, James Potter/Lily Evans - Freeform, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Marauders' Era, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Remus Lupin, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin is autistic, Remus has good parents, Remus is dysphoric, Remus is ftm, Remus is transgender, Sensory Overload, Sirius Black's parents are abusive, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin - Freeform, Swearing, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, james potter/lily evans potter - Freeform, jily, past bullying referenced, past emotional abuse referenced, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2019-10-01 12:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17244653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaneofkneazles/pseuds/thaneofkneazles
Summary: This fanfiction follows the Marauders through their time at Hogwarts. It is canon-compliant and has a lot of characters that JK Rowling didn't flesh out because she was a coward (Remus Lupin being gay, trans and neurodivergent as one example).





	1. The Night that Changed His Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first "Harry Potter" fanfiction I have written, and I plan to continue it through the Marauder's time at Hogwarts and potenially into life outside of Hogwarts!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of the full moon. Remus is only five, isn't called Remus yet, and is about to be bitten by a werewolf, named Fenrir Greyback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of, hopefully, many. Shoutout to @audiopsychic for really efficiently editing my work, you made it much much better, so thank you!!! I am going to try and update this as often as possible, especially as it is my favourite fanfiction to write.

Remus:

It was quarter past ten at night, and the little boy couldn’t sleep. He could hear his parents arguing beneath his room. His tiny house carried noise well, so he could hear everything. As far as he could tell, they were talking about him.

“She’s just a little girl! How can she know that this age?”

“He, Lyall! He’s a boy! That’s what he’s been telling us since he could talk!”

“But have you ever heard of a boy born with the body of a girl, who even knows what gender they are at this age? How can we possibly decide this for her?”

“I have, actually. It’s just kept undercover even in the muggle world, because it’s extremely frowned upon. The magical world is even worse about it, love–”

“Exactly, Hope! If it’s worse for them in the magical world, why in the name of Merlin are we encouraging this?”

“Because he knows himself best, and he wouldn’t say this unless he knew it. I know him, Lyall, he’s my son.”

“Our son.”

“Yes, yes, our son. He’s our son, so we need…”

The boy stopped paying attention. He hated hearing them arguing, and couldn’t understand what they were talking about. He knew it was something to do with him, but couldn’t understand any further. And the arguing was grating at his ears, along with all the other sounds. The faint classical music his parents had been listening to before they started arguing. The crickets outside and the faint call of what the boy thought sounded like an owl outside. It was too much, adding on his own breathing and squeaking of his bed and the slight dripping of water from their broken tap and the creaking of the floorboards as his parents yelled–

Too much noise. Too much. He had to get out of here, had to find a quiet space. His house was too small for him to sneak around it, his parents would surely notice him. And, anyhow, it was much too small to bring him any relief, for everything could be heard. 

He looked out his window. The moon shone bright over their garden. The Lupin family lived in the countryside, rolling hills and fields that looked like the quilts his father made stretched over the landscape in one direction, and in the other direction was a lush forest. Beautiful greens that looked like the colours on his curtains. The woods were a tangle of green that stretched as far as Lupin could see, beautiful and verdant. But in this light, the boy couldn’t see any of the colours that brought him comfort. He could see nothing except for the moon, shadows, and the grass and plants in his garden, though he could hear the wind in the trees.

That was where he had to go, to get away from this feeling of waves of sound crashing down onto his head. Out into the dark, quiet night. Out into the forest.

As the Lupin’s had such a short small house, his window wasn’t far above the vegetable patch for summer vegetables. Squash, peas, courgettes. The boy would try to not squash them on his climb down the side of his house. He scrambled out from under his blankets and tugged on his slippers. He crawled towards his window, his parents still talking in their makeshift living room below his bedroom. The window was fairly easy to open, if a bit stiff, but not too stuck that a little boy couldn’t ram it open. There were some vines that grew up this side of their cottage, the side facing their garden and, farther back, the woods. They made it easier for the child to get down to the vegetable patch, although he failed at missing all the vegetables, as he squashed a courgette with his knees when he dropped down. So much for his parents not finding out, but he would deal with that later, when they woke up to find a smashed courgette and stomped in soil directly beneath their son’s window.

He took in a deep breath, the relief of less noise hitting him. Finally, some calm. His mind felt at rest, and his headache was easing. The air was nice and warm, it being mid-July. The thirteenth, in fact. The boy was only five, though, so the dates were unimportant to him. The full moon above him sat heavily in the sky, calm and as if it was watching him, like his cat, Romulus, when he curled up on the sofa chair, a soft quilt beneath him and a fire in the fireplace. Still, silent, waiting. Almost like an eye.

Another call from that odd owl brought the boy down to earth and away from the glorious moon above him. The boy heard another howl, but this time it seemed closer. It was just an owl, though, he reassured himself. Just a loud owl. But then he heard rustling in the shrubs in his garden and saw two golden orbs staring straight at him. This was not an owl, but what creature could this possibly be? The boy looked up at his room, the window closed and too far up to climb upwards. He should have thought of that. The backdoor was also locked, so he would have to run past the shrubs to get inside.

He heard a growl and screamed. The wolf leapt out of the shrubs at the edge of the forest and bounded towards him.

“Help! Help! Mummy! Daddy! Help--” the wolf lunged at the boy, winding him and knocking him to the ground. The last thing he remembered was his father’s panic-stricken face and the great big jaws closing in on him.


	2. Finger Drawings on the Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New friends are made, rivalries born, and chocolate consumed. Welcome to: The Hogwarts Express!  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to @audiopsychic for unfalteringly editing and helping me with my work! It honestly couldn't be this without you. And my exams are coming up, so I won't be able to properly start chapter three (although I am breaking my rules and have begun it). I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it! If you have any suggestions for my work, be it messed up dialogue or a massive plot hole or anything in between, please tell me, in either a comment or some other way you are able to communicate on this site (that I am new to and do not know much about)! The title is from a Radical Face lyric: "The finger drawings on the glass". Also, last note, the bold italicised text is what JK Rowling wrote in the "Harry Potter" series, and, sadly, is not my work.

**Remus:**

Remus John Lupin clicked his trunk shut. This was it. This was the beginning of a better life for him, one with magic and education and peers. Maybe, even friends. Probably not. Who would want to befriend him? No one would understand, and if they found out his secrets-- Merlin’s pants. They would know that he was a terrifying monster and he would have to leave Hogwarts.

Maybe friends weren’t the best idea, after all.

Remus still remembered the night that everything changed for him. Well, one of the major changes in his life. The wolf, the moon sitting low in the sky, pregnant with its glorious shine on the ground below. His screams indiscernible from his parents’. After that, though, his memories became murky, and only cleared when he woke up Saint Mungo’s Hospital.

Now was not the time for dwelling on that night. He still had to pack his books and was already behind his schedule.

-

**Sirius:**

“Now, I expect you to be the perfect image of a member of The Noble and Moste Ancient House of Black and of the Slytherin house. Is this understood?” Sirius Orion Black’s mother, Walburga Black, was never warm or kind. She never showed Sirius any love, and he supposed it was because of his personality. He enjoyed planning pranks and practising them on the family, sometimes in front of guests, which bought him even more punishment than when done in the company of his immediate family. Sirius also enjoyed climbing trees and being a bit too foolish for his family’s taste. Too Gryffindor, not enough Slytherin. This lead to his parents punishing any sign of a Gryffindor trait and emphasising the threats of what would happen to him if he became a Gryffindor.

Sirius didn’t care. He would be in Gryffindor, and that was that. If he wasn’t picked by the Sorting Hat for Gryffindor, he would ask to be there. Gryffindor was the only house worth being in, for Sirius, with Slytherin (and his family by extension) being his only other option, _after_ leaving Hogwarts and running away to live in the mountains with giants.

“Yes, mother. I understand.” Sirius kept his eyes on the ground at King’s Cross Station. _Don’t meet mother’s eyes_ , a rule he learned when he was little. She always assumed he was being defiant when he did so. Over time, he became more and more rebellious, disobeying his parents more and more.

He dragged his gaze back up to meet his mother’s eyes. She couldn’t scare him. She can’t do anything to him in public.

“Do _not_ look at me like that! You are a horrid excuse for an heir of The Noble and--”

“And most bloody stuck up,” Sirius interrupted.

Walburga struck him across the face with her hand that had three rings on it. Sirius touched his cheek and felt a rather painful gash from where her wedding ring had cut deep into his skin. “If you continue to tarnish the noble name of Black at Hogwarts School, you will be facing your father when you return from break. Do you understand me, boy?”

His father. That meant trouble. But not trouble he wasn’t used to.

“I don’t want your stinking surname, I don’t even care--” He was interrupted when Walburga muttered the Stinging Hex, pointing it at his forearm. Burning pain shot up his arm and down through his fingers. He was asking for it. This was his mother’s go-to physical punishment for talking out of line. She didn’t even need to say it aloud, she was so used to casting it. Sirius assumed she said it aloud to frighten him, and, even though the hex was nothing in comparison to other punishments he got, she succeeded in scaring him. He looked around the station, as they were still on the Muggle side and he hoped no one noticed the spell. This was the side of the station that his mother hated, but he was fascinated by. So many people, going about their lives with oddly-shaped bags and even weirder clothing. So many different jobs, schools, so much history. They all had so many different lives in a world unlike his own, one he wasn’t allowed to like. So, of course, he loved it.

“One more word out of your foul mouth, and you will regret it,” Walburga quietly threatened her eldest son. He simply nodded, and she turned and left him at the station.

Sirius looked down at his heavy trunk. When he asked her, Walburga wouldn’t put a spell on it to make it lighter for the journey, and he certainly did not know how to do any spells like that yet.

Maybe, he could use one of those Muggle trolleys or carts…

-

After obtaining a cart, Sirius went through the brick wall to Platform 9 ¾. On the other side, crowds of Hogwarts students and their families swarmed the platform. They had different cages for pets, and stacks of books. One boy, in particular, stood out to him. He had black, unkempt hair, and an impish grin stretched across his face. He had glasses as well, and a father with similar features and a mother with brilliantly red hair. He was a Potter. The Potters were a pureblood family infamous in Sirius’ own. They were only mentioned around the word “disgusting”, or some other term to that effect.

“Now, try to be on your best behaviour at school, Jamesie. Your father and I want to hear good reports from your professors, okay?” The boy’s mother ruffled her son’s hair, which was already very wild, and his smile widened.

“I’m terribly sorry, mother, but I can’t make any promises,” the boy replied, putting on even more of a posh accent.

“Try to be on your best behaviour, James,” the woman replied with a more serious tone. “At least promise to not prank anyone.”

Sirius’ ears pricked up at the word “pranking”. Another mischievous first-year?

“Again, why would I promise something that is simply impossible?” Good response. The boy was growing on Sirius more and more.

“Jamesie.”

“Alright, mother, I promise to be as good as I, James Potter, can be.” The Potter boy’s grin was widening with every word in that sentence. Everyone, his mother, father, and Sirius all knew his implications.

“We love you very much and will miss you, James. Do well in your lessons, and do _try_ to wear some _Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion_. It did wonders to my untamed hair!” Mr. Potter gestured up at his head that had smoothly shaped hair.

“I _like_ it this way, dad, and mum does too! She always ruffles it.” Mrs. Potter laughed at this. And then Mr. and Mrs. Potter hugged and kissed their son goodbye, and saw him onto the Hogwarts Express. Sirius followed after him, trying to catch up.

“Hey, wait!” Sirius called after the Potter boy, who stopped and turned around from the steps leading into a carriage.

“What is it?” Potter looked at Sirius quizzically, who was currently trying and failing to lug his trunk up the first stair.

“I-- like-- pranks-- as well,” Sirius gasped between grunts. He wasn’t particularly cut out for carrying heavy things.

At the word “prank”, Potter’s eyes lit up as if he was staring into fireworks he had set off in someone’s hair. “Here, let me help you with that.” Sirius moved out of the way and up the steps as Potter brought his trunk up with ease.

“Thanks,” Sirius grinned widely at his new possibly-friend classmate.

“What’s your name? I’m James Potter.” Sirius’ grin fell when Potter asked this. Surely Potter would have heard of his infamous family. The Blacks were notoriously evil, it was practically genetic, like the Black Insanity.

“Oh, um, I’m Sirius. Sirius… Black.” Sirius looked at his feet, his face burning. He couldn’t have friends like Potter, they wouldn’t want him. He was a Black and expected to hate Muggleborns, curse Muggles, and end up in Azkaban before eventually being bailed out with his family’s massive fortune.

Potter had obviously heard of the Blacks because he stopped smiling and looked a bit shocked when Sirius had stated his surname. 

“You’re a Black? That old horrible Pureblood family?”

“Yeah, but not willingly. I hate them all-- well, all except for my little brother, anyway,” Sirius corrected himself, remembering Regulus. “But I am nothing like them. I promise I hate them and their political views and their bloody murderous heirlooms and their messed up--”

“Alright, alright, I get it. You aren’t like them.” James was smiling again. “So, if you aren’t anything like them, what house will you be in?”

Sirius felt like this might be a test, but he didn’t care. He had wanted to be a Gryffindor ever since he had found out you didn’t inherit your Hogwarts House, and that it was instead based upon your values and personality. “I’m definitely a Gryffindor. I have always wanted to be one, and even my family--” No. Better not mention what they did to him. He didn’t want to seem weak to his new probably-friend.

“Your family what?” 

“Oh, nothing, they just worry that I’m a Gryffindor, and **_our entire family has been in Slytherin,”_** Sirius supplied.

**_“Blimey,” said James, “and I thought you seemed all right!”_ ** _  
_

**_Sirius grinned. “Maybe I’ll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you’ve got the choice?”_ **

**_James lifted an invisible sword. “‘Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!’ Like my dad.”_** James lowered the invisible sword and looked back at Sirius. “You do want to be a Gryffindor, right?” James became a bit uncertain at the end as if trying to make absolutely sure that the Black he was talking to wouldn’t start monologuing about Muggleborns “tarnishing the title ‘wizard’” at the drop of a hat.

“Oh, definitely. I don’t know what I would even do if I wasn’t there.”

 - 

**Remus:**

Remus peered into the carriages on either side of him. On his left, a group of older students chatted, taking up all the room in the carriage. Too intense for him.  On his right, a boy with blonde hair and a kind, round face had managed to find a carriage on his own. He had just opened a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. He seemed like good company, so Remus ventured in.

The boy looked up at the terrified Remus who stood awkwardly in the doorway. “Erm, do you want to sit here?” The boy said.

“If that’s alright with you. I just couldn’t find anywhere else to sit.” Not entirely true, as he had been too anxious to check everywhere on the train.

“Of course!” The boy seemed eager to have some company. “I’m Peter Pettigrew. What’s your name?”

“I’m Remus.” Pettigrew looked like he was waiting for something else for Remus to say. “Oh, yes! Sorry. My last name is Lupin.”

“Cool! Are you a first-year?” Pettigrew was warming up to Remus.

“Yeah, I am.”

“I am as well! Would you like to have some of my Bertie Bott’s?” Pettigrew handed the colourful box to Remus.

‘Thanks! Would you like some of my chocolate?” Remus had brought pounds of chocolate of all sorts of flavours with him, as it was the only food that comforted him after a Full Moon, and he was also a chocoholic.

“Sure! What kinds do you have?”

Remus grinned and emptied his pockets of all the different chocolate bars he had been storing there. The pockets on his robes were large, and the robes themselves were also very large, especially for how small and scrawny a boy Remus was.

Peter Pettigrew dropped his jaw, his eyes wide with astonishment.

“These are my traveling provisions,’ Remus explained, happy to have already found someone who was kind and understood the qualities of chocolate. Maybe he could have a friend for the first time in his life who wasn’t one of his parents. Remus found himself thinking about all the possibilities he had now, his fingers drawing on the foggy window.

-

**Sirius:**

Sirius and James had wandered the hallways of the trains, discussing pranks and new Zonko’s products. They had been absent-mindedly looking for a carriage to sit in, and hadn’t yet found a sufficient one that had First Year’s in it and wasn’t packed so full that you couldn’t add a single sarding into the carriage without everyone spilling out. That was, until; they came across a carriage with two students who looked like First Years. One of the students was a boy with shoulder-length black hair that wasn’t particularly well-washed. He was looking over a textbook with a redheaded girl who had green eyes and freckles. From what Sirius could tell, they were laughing over a joke the boy had made. They looked like they would be welcoming-- or at least tolerant-- of fellow First Years.

After he and James agreed to sit there, James went to open the glass door, and both bibliophiles looked up at them, with a questioning look as to why James and Sirius were standing there.

“May we help you?” The boy asked Sirius and James.

“Sev, they probably want to sit with us, so there is no need to be sarcastic,” she told the other boy. “Am I right? Would you like to sit with us?”

“Yes please,” James replied. Sirius looked at the boy’s sullen stare. He would fit into the Black family just perfectly. Right next to his slimy git of a cousin, Narcissa. She was cowardly, but not nearly as insane and evil as Bellatrix.

“Well then, I’m Lily Evans, and this is Severus Snape,” Lily gestured towards the boy next to her who was glaring at both James and Sirius. Sirius introduced both of them, as James was too caught up in whatever staring contest was going on between him and Snape.

“They don’t need to sit with us. Why don’t they go somewhere else?” Snape said, not taking his eyes off them.

The train had started to move. James and Sirius sat down, so as to not sway with the movement of the Hogwarts Express.

“Why don’t you go, you slimy git?” James sniggered. “I bet Evans wouldn’t miss your greasy nose.”

“All of you, stop quibbling or I will make all three of you leave,” Evans said, glaring pointedly at James and then at Snape's outraged face.

“Oy, I didn’t say anything!” Sirius protested at being included in Evans’ threat, even though he was about to speak up before she intervened.

“Well, you didn’t exactly stop your friend either, now did you?” Evans tartly responded, she and Snape returning to their potions textbook.

The four of them sat in silence for about seven minutes, and then Sirius opened his mouth.

“I didn’t need to stop my friend from telling the truth about your stinking friend. If his nose was any longer, he could use it as a wand!”

And then James sniggered at the same moment that Evans bashed them over the head with her potions textbook.

-

**Remus:**

Although Remus and the other boy had had a nice time in the carriage, they hadn't;t really hit it off as friends. Remus was too awkward and anxious and Pettigrew didn’t really know what to do about it. All the same, they hadn’t become enemies, more like friendly acquaintances. And so Remus and Pettigrew were in their own rowboat with one other student going across the Great Lake. The castle was lit up and was a beacon of hope for Remus. A new life, better one. This was his only chance to have a happy future, his last hope.

“What did you say your name was, again?” Pettigrew asked the other student.

“Oh, I forgot to say, sorry. I’m Frank Longbottom. And who are you?” The question was addressed to both Pettigrew and Remus.

“I’m Peter Pettigrew, and he’s Remus Lupin.” Thank Merlin Pettigrew perceived him as a boy and introduced him as a “he”. He could never be too sure how well he passed, even though he was only eleven, and was grateful for Pettigrew subconsciously making his life much easier. His rational mind told him that he obviously passed as a boy well, as he was only eleven and has been practising it for more than half of his life. His anxious, irrational, instinctive mind, on the other hand, made him obsess over his appearance, his behaviour, his body language, and absolutely everything he possibly could. It was also the side of him that took control when he got upset, the side that was more wolfish than human.

“Nice to meet you both.” Longbottom’s voice brought Remus out of his head and back into the rowboat. Soon they would be sorted into one of the four houses. He expected to be in Hufflepuff. He didn’t have the courage for Gryffindor, the craftiness for Slytherin, and, although he was good at schoolwork, he didn’t think he was smart enough for Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff seemed like the most likely option for him, although he longed to be in Ravenclaw so that he could have access to many more books and maybe befriend some other bibliophiles.

"What House do you think you will be sorted into?” Remus asked the others.

“I expect to be in either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor,” Longbottom responded, looking over to Pettigrew and awaiting his answer.

“I’m going to be in Hufflepuff, probably. I’m too dumb for Ravenclaw or Slytherin and I’m too cowardly for Gryffindor.” Pettigrew looked down at the wooden boards. Remus understood that expression he wore, the shame and lack of self-esteem. And he knew what would have made him better if people would be there for him when he felt like that.

“I bet you’re brave enough for Gryffindor! You were eating Bertie Bott’s without knowing if you were going to get a disgusting or delicious flavour! That’s a seriously brave thing to do,” Remus comforted Pettigrew.

The boy beamed. “Thank you, Lupin! That’s really nice of you to say.”

“You can call me Remus," he told Peter beaming.

-

The sorting had begun. Remus gulped. He felt sick and dizzy. Not only was it only a couple days before the Full Moon, but he also hated the thought of sitting in front of the entire school and being judged. He had already been judged enough. He had already gone through enough hatred from his peers who had found out what he really was in the Muggle School. He couldn’t possibly go through it all again.

Professor McGonagall’s clear Scottish accent began calling out the names of the First Year students. When they were called on, they were to go up to the Sorting Hat and put it on. From there, the Sorting Hat, which had sung a song all about this earlier that evening, would sort them and move onto the next student.

“Avery, Arcturus.”

“ _Slytherin!”_

Remus remembered what he was meant to do after the Feast. Professor McGonagall was going to bring him to Professor Dumbledore’s office, where they would explain the Full Moon arrangements.

“Black, Sirius.”

At the mention of this boy’s name, some members of the Slytherin House had seemed to go silent, like the patient stillness a predator before the kill.

The Sorting Hat waited for a long time, the boy’s face scrunched up like he was concentrating very hard on something. Eventually, the Hat sang out “ _Gryffindor!_ ”

A large gang of Slytherins gasped at this and stood up, looking at Black with such fury, it reminded him of the children who bullied him at his old Muggle school. Black looked over at another boy in the crowd at gave him a big thumbs up, before sauntering towards the Gryffindor table smiling.

The entire Great Hall was stunned. No one clapped for him, unlike all of the other students before this boy. Remus guessed that whatever had just happened was unexpected, and his mind went back to trying to figure out what Professor Dumbledore could have possibly come up with as a solution for his lycanthropy and what he would want Remus to do, being transgender. Would he ask him to sleep in the girl’s dormitory? Or would he have a separate dormitory? Would he be expected to use the girl’s bathrooms? Would he use the staff bathrooms? Remus hated the prospect of having to be treated differently. If only he could have been born male, if only his mother would be open to magical ways for him to transition, if only those kids hadn’t found out he--

His train of thought was interrupted by a redheaded girl who put her hand on his shoulder. “Hey, are you okay? Only, you were hyperventilating and rocking back and forth and muttering to yourself. You don’t have to worry about the Sorting. The Hat chooses the best House for you based on your personality and also where you would be the most comfortable. It also listens to requests, I’ve heard.”

Remus looked at the girl. She had freckles and lively green eyes. She was holding a book against her body and another smaller one was peeking out of one of her pockets. A fellow avid reader.

“Thanks, I didn’t know you could ask to be in a specific house!”

“According to my friend Severus, you can. I’m Lily, by the way, Lily Evans.”

“I’m Remus Lupin. What house do you think you’ll be in?” He was beginning to feel more grounded and felt his breathing slow down.

“I expect to be in Ravenclaw, but you never know until you try the Hat on!”

“Evans, Lily,” Professor McGonagall said Evans’ name, interrupting the whispered conversation Remus was having with her.

“Got to go find my destiny, bye!” Lily said brightly, smiling. She confidently went to the stool and sat down as Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat ion her head. With that courage, Remus guessed she could be a Gryffindor.

The Hat wasn’t on her head long before it did, in fact, call out, “ _Gryffindor!_ ”

Lily Evans looked fairly shocked at this. She glanced at someone in the crowd of First Years waiting to be sorted, and looked down at her feet, almost ashamed. But when she got to the Gryffindor table she was greeted with welcoming faces, and Remus saw her cheer up a bit.

Other names were called, and Remus wasn’t paying attention to them. He was trying to gather his thoughts for the Sorting, along with trying to stay in the Great Hall instead of running out and back to North Yorkshire. It was at these anxiety-driven moments like these when most people became more instinctive. For Remus, this meant that the wolf inside him came closer to the surface. This meant that on top of everything else he was worried about, he had to try and remember his coping mechanisms for holding back the growls that would sometimes accidentally escape from him when he was like this.

“Lupin, Remus.”

Oh, Merlin’s left eyebrow, it was too soon for him to go up to the stool. He was too anxious, to ready to bolt. But then he looked over at the Gryffindor table and say Evans giving him a massive, encouraging smile. And so Remus walked towards the Sorting stool with as much confidence he could muster.

Once the Hat was placed on his head, a voice spoke to him in his mind. “ _Ah, the young werewolf._ ”

“ _P_ _lease please don’t kick me out,_ ” Remus thought-yelled at the Hat.

“ _Oh no, dear boy, you misunderstand. I’m not here to kick you out, I’m here to Sort you,_ ” The Hat replied, “ _So, where should you go? You have a mind beyond many of your peers in intelligence and wisdom, but you also are very hard-working. You have faced many terrifying experiences and gotten through them, so you are also very brave…_ ”

“ _I’m not brave, I just get through. I was a coward at my old school! I was bullied!_ ”

“ _Being bullied doesn’t make you a coward, Mr. Lupin. In fact, you got through the bullying to this school, making you extraordinarily brave._ ”

“ _I’m not brave,_ ” Remus insisted, “ _I’m a coward._ ”

“ _You see, Mr. Lupin, I can perceive your traits as a person so I can assess which house best suits you. I see you don’t believe you are brave, even though you are one of the bravest students I have sorted. Your self-confidence is nonexistent, and you seem to have these negatively-warped views of yourself. I am a Sorting Hat that not only decided which house best suits you for your traits, but also which house you will grow most in. And you, Mr. Lupin, are meant to be in--_ ”

The Hat then shouted out across the Great Hall, “ _Gryffindor!_ ”

Remus was stunned. Remus couldn’t move his legs to get off the chair. Remus was frozen. Remus was panicking. Remus was dizzy. Remus was hyperventilating. Remus was rocking back and forth Remus was not meant to be in Gryffindor Remus didn’t like everyone staring at him Remus felt overwhelmed Remus hated that people were clapping too much noise too much noise too much--

He quickly stood up from the stool to run out and then everything went dark.

 - 

“Mr. Lupin?” A voice broke his unconsciousness. “Mr. Lupin, are you waking up?”

Remus opened his eyes to see three adults hovering over him. He could recognise Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore from the feast, but didn’t know who the other adult was.

“S-sorry for that.” Remus was still groggy so forming long sentences was a bit difficult.

“No need to apologise, Mr. Lupin,” the new adult said, “you had a little fainting spell but you’re alright now. You did bump your head, however, and although I fixed it up, I would like you to come see me tomorrow so I can check on it.” Ah, so she must be the school nurse, then.

“Thank you…” Remus started.

“I’m Madam Pomfrey, dear,” the school nurse helped.

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus weakly replied.

“Now, Mr. Lupin, do you feel up to coming to my office so we can chat about your situation?” Professor Dumbledore asked Remus calmly.

“He will need to move slowly getting up if he feels up to it and I will need to check him over, so why don’t you go to your office, Professor Dumbledore, so that he can have time to recuperate?” Remus got a feeling that Madam Pomfrey was very protective of her patients.

“Yes, of course, Madam Pomfrey.” Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall left the Hospital Wing, leaving Remus and Madam Pomfrey to help him get enough strength back to get to Dumbledore’s office and then the dormitories.


	3. With a Silent Crack in His Stony Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is sad, but sets up a lot of relationship dynamics in the chapters to come. Please tell me anything you want n the comments, I really love reading what you guys think and feel concerning this work.  
> And the amazing @audiopsychic edited and cleaned up my messy sentences for me and you, so a massive thanks to @audiopsychic!  
> The title is inspired from a lyric by Radical Face that is "The silent crack in her stony mask".

**Remus:**

 

Professor McGonagall was waiting for him outside of Professor Dumbledore’s office. She greeted him with a thin but welcoming smile, the warmth mainly coming from her eyes. 

“Right this way, Mr. Lupin. This week’s password is  _ Toothflossing Stringmints _ .”

“Thank you, Professor. Sorry for all of this,” Remus looked at his feet, face uncomfortably hot at the thought of the side of himself that was locked away every month. That corner of his mind that he would never learn to control, never get rid of.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Lupin. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, the only thing wrong is how the Wizarding World treats those with lycanthropy.  _ Toothflossing Stringmints _ ,” she added so they could go into Professor Dumbledore’s office.

Remus was shocked. She didn’t hate him! McGonagall was like his mum and dad, but so few wizards or witches out there though like they did. Professor McGonagall began walking up the stairs, and Remus followed behind, still stunned at her reaction.

 

**Sirius:**

 

There were two empty beds. One, he knew, due to the odd numbers in their year, one was permanently vacant, and soon the house-elves would take it away, though Sirius privately hoped he and the others could manage to persuade them to leave it be.

The other one had a trunk next to it, the paint slightly chipped, nothing as extravagant as his or James’ trunk. It had small cursive letters reading “Remus J. Lupin” scrolled just above the latch. So, this was the boy who had fainted after being sorted. How strange. Sirius couldn’t imagine why someone would do that, unless… they didn’t  _ want _ to be in Gryffindor. Why wouldn’t he want to be in Gryffindor? It didn’t make any sense. The boy didn’t have a famous pureblood surname, so it wasn’t out of obligation, like his family. It didn’t make any sense to him!

The other two boys in the dormitory were James and a boy named Peter Pettigrew. Sirius felt very lucky that James was with him, as he didn’t judge him by his surname, unlike everyone else in the school. Well, most people. He wasn’t sure if Peter did, but it didn’t seem like it.

“So, when do you think the other boy will get here?” James interrupted Sirius’ train of thoughts. Sirius focused back on the game the three of them were playing. Essentially, one boy would give the other a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean, and he would have to eat it, no excuses. If he didn’t manage to, he would get a point, and anyone to five points was the loser and the other two would have to decide on a punishment for him. Sirius was very good at this game, but the other two were as well. James could stomach everything except for the animal-related beans, such as earthworm, which Peter and Sirius quickly found out when he spat it out after three seconds of it in his mouth. Peter had a secret advantage in that he enjoyed certain jellybeans that were gross flavours, or at least didn’t despise the flavours, the most revolting one he didn’t mind being snotty tissue.

“Ugh!  _ How _ can you eat that, Peter?” James cried out in disgust as Peter took a mouldy-cheese jellybean and began chewing it without and gagging or scrunching up of his face.

“It’s not too bad, it’s like posh cheese. Besides,” Peter added, “you aren’t one to talk, you like the grass-flavoured jellybean!”

“Eurgh, now I know the revolting taste of mouldy cheese,” Sirius grimaced, looking away from Peter, who was smiling whilst chewing his jellybean and making complete eye contact with Sirius.

Disgusting.

 

**Remus:**

 

“Now, our first matter of discussion is how we will accommodate your lycanthropy. There is a Whomping Willow on the school grounds which Madam Pomfrey will lead you to every full moon. There is a notch which she will magically press, which will freeze the tree and open up a secret passage that leads to an abandoned and heavily warded shack in Hogsmeade. Are you following, so far?” Dumbledore peered over his half-moon glasses at the small boy, who was practically drowning in the large leather armchair.

“Er, yes, Professor Dumbledore,” he mumbled.

“You understand you are advised to not spread this information to your peers as you could be at serious risk for having to leave Hogwarts, especially if you tell the wrong people. All of your professors and Madam Pomfrey have been informed and they will not tell anyone, and it is purely to prevent any issues that may arise before they occur. Do you understand, Mr. Lupin?”

“Yes, Professor Dumbledore,” he repeated. This all made sense to him, but how on earth could he make good friends if he had such a big secret to hide? How could he explain his monthly disappearances? He should have thought about that on his way over.

“Now, onto the subject of sleeping arrangements,” Professor Dumbledore began. Oh, Merlin, no, this is where he would be told he has to sleep in the girl’s dormitories. Remus felt sick at the thought.

“We have decided to let you go with what you are most comfortable with. We have a bed for you in the boy’s dormitory, where your trunk is now, as we felt you would want to sleep there. Though, if you would rather, we could make a separate and private dormitory solely for you, or you could sleep in the girl’s dormitory. We expected, as you are male, that the boy’s dorm would be most suitable, but if you are worried about your safety or are uncomfortable then we may change things around easily.” Remus was completely blown away. They were treating him as his real gender, and not his birth gender? He was allowed, and even  _ expected _ , to sleep in the boy’s dormitory? He did worry about what would happen if people found out, but how could he live with not being in the boy’s dormitory…

“I would gladly sleep in the boy’s dormitory, professor,” Remus decided. Better take a few risks than live the rest of his time at Hogwarts wondering at what could have been, more dysphoric than he would be in his current situation.

“Great, that makes everything quite a bit easier for us. And, if you ever want to change where you sleep, please do let us know, whether the change is permanent or temporary. We are always here to help.”

 

**Sirius:**

 

They were just watching in awe as Peter ate sausage and mouldy cheese jellybeans at the same time when the scrawny boy who had fainted quietly opened the dormitory door and slipped in. He even walked tentatively, and Sirius could practically  _ feel _ his efforts to stay as small as possible. As if he wanted to be as unseen, as unmemorable, as unremarkable as he could. It was as if the boy was holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Hello, you must be Remus Lupin!” Sirius said to the boy, who nodded and quickly made for his trunk. 

“Hey, remember me from the train?” Peter asked Lupin, who turned his head and gave a very faint smile to him.

“Lads, Remus here has an overwhelming hoard of chocolate. Would you call yourself a chocoholic, Remus?” Peter was trying to be as welcoming as possible, but Lupin seemed to be terrified by how much attention was fixed on him.

“N-n-no, I w-wouldn’t call myself a chocoholic,” Remus stammered out, “but perhaps I am excessively fond of it.”

“That’s how someone with an addiction to chocolate would describe themself, I believe you have a serious problem,” James grinned.

“How big is your hoard, anyhow?” Sirius jumped in.

Lupin was looking increasingly wide-eyed and panicked. “Not, not too large. I have to unpack, excuse me.”

“Why did you faint in the Great Hall?” inquired James.

“I r-really have to to get on w-with my p-packing,” Lupin quavered, before hiding on his bed with his trunk, and the others could hear the familiar click as Lupin opened his trunk and started unpacking as quietly as possible.

-

As much as Lupin obviously wanted to remain private and go under the radar of everyone around him, Sirius was practically obsessed with the boy. His secretive behaviour, his quirks, everything about him just made Sirius want to know more. He near-constantly watched the boy and was even more intrigued when, only a couple days after the start of school, Lupin left, saying he had to go home to visit his ill mother.

“She’s sick and is in a rough patch right now, so my father needs some extra hands,” Lupin responded to Sirius’ constant nagging.

“What’s your mum sick with?” Sirius pestered.

“None of your business, Black,” Lupin snapped. Sirius was shocked. Lupin, as shut off from everyone as he was, had never been particularly irritable. He never snapped at Sirius for following him around and pestering, even though he never really warmed up to him. Sirius guessed his mum was very ill if he only just snapped over her.

“Leave him be, Sirius! Just, let him go, okay?” James intervened.

“But–”

“No, Sirius.”

Lupin left the dormitory and the three of them stewed in the silence for a moment.

“You can’t press his buttons like that if you ever want a chance of being his friend, Sirius,” James pointed out.

“What makes you think I want to be friends with that secretive irritable git?” Sirius grumbled, looking down at his arms crossed over his chest.

“Oi, he may be a bit secretive, but that’s the first time he has gotten angry at the many pestering things you do–”

“But–” Sirius began. He wasn’t being that annoying, maybe interested, but not annoying.

“You follow him everywhere, you even wait outside of the loos for him. You are obsessive, Sirius, and this is the first time he’s snapped, and he’s never been a git, so don’t call him that.”

“Fine.”

“And you obviously want to be his friend, with how interested you are in him,” Peter piped up.

“‘Very interested’ is a kind way to put it, Pete,” James snickered, “I would call him more ‘highly obsessed’.”

“Right, like you don’t want to be his friend?” Sirius countered.

“Of course we do, we’re just commenting on what you apparently think is a good way to go about befriending him,” Peter said through laughter. The laughter was catching, and Sirius was trying his best not to but felt a grin fall over his lips.

“Right, let’s all agree not to pester him about his mum if we want to get anywhere with friendship, okay?”

“Okay,” Peter said.

“Alright.” Sirius resolved to try and stop obsessing over Lupin, or at the very least be less obvious about his interest.

 

**Remus:**

 

He woke up groggy and in pain. Every part of him hurt, and some places were worse than others, like his right arm and his chest and torso. Some of those had to be new scars, though he hoped some were just broken bones.

“Ah, Mr. Lupin, you’re awake!” Madam Pomfrey was looking down at him with a comforting smile that stretched to her eyes.

“Please, may I have a glass of water?” Remus tried to sit up more and winced. Madam Pomfrey quickly helped ease him back into his original position.

“You did sustain quite a few  _ new _ injuries from the transformation last night, Mr. Lupin. I healed the smaller cuts, bruises, and torn muscles, so you shouldn’t feel those anymore, although a rather large bruise on your knee may stay for a bit. You got some more scars as well, the deepest ones being on your right arm and on your torso. You also sustained multiple broken ribs, which I did mend but they need the rest of today to properly heal. The main pain you should be feeling is the Skele-Gro, as it is actually more painful to mend the bones than to break them.” Madam Pomfrey explained as she pouring him a glass of water.

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus said gratefully, taking the water. “When can I go back to the dormitories?”

“Well, let’s wait until this evening, dear, and assess then. You are still healing, and are quite weak, so we don’t want to rush it.”

“Okay, thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus mumbled as he began to fall asleep.

 

**Sirius:**

 

“How long do you think he’s gone?” Sirius nagged James and Peter as they were walking into the Great Hall for lunch.

“We  _ don’t know _ , Sirius! Merlin, how many times are you going to ask us?” complained Peter.

“Well,” Sirius began to reach for the Cornish pasties, “I just want to know when he’ll get back.”

“Careful, you’ll knock my milk over!” Peter squealed as Sirius’ elbow came threateningly close to his glass.

“Oh, like this, Pete?” Sirius then deliberately knocked Peter’s glass over.

“Oy! That was just mean, Sirius!” James scolded. “We get it, you’re worried about him, but that gives you no excuse to take it out on poor Pete here.”

“Why are you so stressed, anyway? It’s not like he’s our friend, it’s none of our business!” Peter added.

“Well…” Sirius began. Why  _ was _ he so curious? “I think I  _ want _ him to be our friend. And it’s not weird to worry about our roommate, especially when he’s obviously going through a lot at home!”

Just like he is.

“Well, I think you need to let it go, mate,” James said, patting Sirius’ back. “You won’t get anywhere with him worrying yourself over him when he isn’t here.”

Sirius knew James was right, but it didn’t help matters. Suddenly, an idea came to Sirius’ mind that he knew would distract him better whilst Lupin was with his mum.

“Hey, why don’t we plan a really great prank?” Sirius suggested.

“That’s a great idea!” James beamed at his friend.

“Yes, let’s!” Peter added, now less upset over his spilt milk.

“Great, so who should we target?” James already knew who he wanted to target and who the other definitely wanted to as well.

“The Slytherins!” Sirius said with a smirk, looking over at the far table.

“Definitely, now, I suggest that we go for…”

 

**Remus:**

 

It was half-past five, and he still hadn’t been let out of the Hospital Wing.

“Oh, go on, Madam Pomfrey, all the lessons are over, I would just go to my dormitory!” Remus begged.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Lupin, you lost a lot of blood, a dangerous amount. Your ribs are still healing, and your scars are fresh. Unless you want to apply the scar ointment and also rest all evening, you have to stay here.”

“I have to be here a lot, and staying here this long every month takes away from my life when I’m not transformed. And, I have walked around with worse injuries. If it’s the pain you are worried about, no need to worry, I have felt worse and can handle it. I have a very high pain tolerance. And I promise I will rest, and even get my friend to bring me food for dinner, instead of eating with everyone else! And I have applied scar ointment before, I know how much it burns, I know I can take it. Please, Madam Pomfrey, I just want to get back to normal.”

Madam Pomfrey didn’t have anything to say to that. She remained silent for a moment, before sighing and saying, “Alright, Mr. Lupin. Just let me check you over and then, if you aren’t in need of further medical assistance other than rest and the scar ointment, you may go.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, Madam Pomfrey!”

-

Remus was allowed to go back to his dormitory, but he hadn’t anticipated how long the walk was. In truth, he had lied to Madam Pomfrey about his pain levels. He didn’t want to take the pain potion again, he didn’t want to become too reliant on it.

Remus took a break outside of the library. He leaned against the cool stone, and then slumped down onto the ground, his hot face against the wall.

“Oh, Remus! Are you okay? You look like you have a fever!” Lily gasped, as she walked out of the library holding three books.

“Oh, I’m fine, I’m just trying to get back to the common room. Is it okay, if…”

“If I help? Of course, Remus! That’s what friends are for!” Lily put her books in her satchel and leaned down to help Remus up. He leaned on her, his arm over her shoulder as they slowly made it towards the Gryffindor Tower.

-

“Why is this school so bloody large?” Remus grumbled as they hit yet another staircase.

“We’re almost there, this is the last staircase, Remus,” Lily said in a concerned tone of voice. “What happened to you, anyway? I thought you were visiting your mother who was ill, not you!” 

“Well, I must have caught something when I was over there. Madam Pomfrey already checked me over, Lily, she said this was also probably made worse from the caring for my mum and I don’t want to go back, okay?” Remus implored.

“If you are sure, Remus…” Lily looked unsure and not completely convinced with Remus’ story.

“I’m sure. And look, we’re almost here! Now I can finally rest.” Remus winced with every step, the movement jolting him and making his injuries hurt even more.

“Did Madam Pomfrey say if you were healthy enough to eat in the Great Hall?”

“No, but I’m not hungry anyway. And if I do get hungry, I have lots of chocolate,” Remus said with a ghost of a smile.

“Would you like it if I brought some food up for you, just in case? ” Lily asked as they entered the common room. Thankfully, there weren’t too many people to gawk at the obviously ill boy. 

"No, I’m quite alright, thank you though, Lily.”

Lily let her arm around Remus fall as he headed up to the dormitory. When he got there, he got his post-moon emergency kit out: a big jumper that was criminally soft, heaps of chocolate, a good book, and a quilt his father made. It smelled of him, of home. This is what put Remus over the edge. His mother and father had been there for all of his full moons, for every single one they were tending to his scars and hugging him and telling him stories and cheering him up. And every single time his sensitive senses could pick up everything. He had already had sensory sensitivity before he was bitten, but everything hit extremes afterwards. He remembered his mother’s odour of warm apple cider and fresh soil from gardening. He remembered all of the pollen that clung to her sunhat in the summertime and the smell of dew from gardening in the rain. He remembered her baked goods and the oil paint’s fragrance that lingered on her skin and clothing days after finishing a painting. He remembered the scent of sheep’s and lamb’s wool from his father’s wool weaving and knitting. His new fabrics that were filled with the aroma of freshness and readiness to be added into something more than they were. He remembered the scent of his father’s old books, of the faint chocolate fragrance that always floated around his father’s stubble. Remus tried to hold back his tears, but it was too much. He had a soft knitted jumper his father had made on and it smelled of him. He had his chocolate strewn out on his quilt, both smelling of him. And he had his mother’s second-hand gardening book to read, smelling of them both. He cracked, his shell was shattered for this night.

Remus put a silencing charm around his bed and cried all night, his tears spilling onto the yellowing pages of his home.


	4. AMAS (Assigned Male at Stairs)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy heck. These boys are a mess. And would already (like us all) kill for Remus. And Remus has a wonderful realisation at the end!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to the wonderful @audiopsychic for editing this and also writing amazing works!!! Sorry for not updating for so long! I was in hospital a couple times and had a lot of mental health chaos going on. Still kinda do, but I am much more stable so I will try to update more often! (I am already working on chapter five so stay tuned for an update soon—hopefully)

**Sirius:**

 

Remus wasn’t in the Great Hall that night. It was expected, as he was visiting his sick mum and they had no idea when he would return, but his absence made Sirius feel… something. It was as if something was missing from him, but he knew not what. Nevertheless, the feeling tugged at his gut and he could eat nothing. James looked up at him, his brow ruffled over the frame of his glasses.

“Why aren’t you eating anything, Sirius?” He put his knife and fork on the silver plate.

“It’s really good bangers and mash, you’re missing out!” Peter added.

“I just… I don’t know,” started Sirius, creating patterns with his fork in the mash. “I’m just worried, I guess, for Lupin. And I don’t know when he’ll be coming back either.”

“Oh, Sirius,” James sighed. “We’re all worried for him. He’ll be alright, though, and hopefully he will be back soon. Not eating your food won’t get him back any more quickly, though, so stop being an idiot and eat your bangers and mash.”

“Oh, alright,” Sirius grumbled and picked up his fork, this time to actually eat.

-

The meal drew to a close far more quickly than Sirius expected. Soon, he found himself with his two friends, heading up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room. Upon arriving, the redhead, Lily Evans, ran up to the three of them.

“It’s Remus,” she gasped. “He’s back but he’s hurt.”

They shared glances of shock.

“Let’s go find him,” James said. They quickly ran upstairs to their dormitory.

Sirius heart pounded with his growing fear of what could have possibly happened to Lupin. We’re his parents like his own? Did he have scars as well? 

Sirius realised he would beat the life out of anyone who harmed Remus and wasn’t ashamed.

 

**Remus:**

 

Remus’ sobs and the full moon had exhausted him, lulling him into a fitful rest. He dreamed nightmares of when he was bitten, when his life became as dark and dangerous as the woods at night, with a full moon blazing above the treetops.

The gut-dissolving fear of what was coming next, and how he could do nothing to change fate. He was frozen to the forest floor, his parents running to him.  _ Don’t come in! Don’t come near me! _ Was all he could think, and his mouth was sealed shut. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t warn them.  _ Get away! Don’t come near me! _ He screamed in his head again. But his parents kept coming. They were running steadily towards him, but they couldn’t see what Remus saw. They couldn’t see the glimmer of yellow eyes in the bushes, they couldn’t hear the faintest growl and pants emitting from that same bush. They didn’t know of the werewolf, slinking in between the shadows of trees and leafy shrubs. Remus couldn’t do anything to stop the wolf, or save his parents. He was powerless. 

His parents reached him in the clearing, and the moment they did, the monster, the  _ beast _ , lunged out at them, and ripped them to shreds. It didn’t get to their throats until the end, and their panic-stricken screams echoed throughout the forest long after they were dead.

_ No, NO!!!!  _ Remus bellowed. It was horrible— the blood, the blood. He could see  _ bones _ . And the pinkish red— no. He didn’t want to guess what it was.

He vomited, and the wolf turned its teeth towards Remus. It lunged, and his vision was darkened by bloody jaws encompassing his face.

 

**Sirius:**

 

“We really should wake him up,” Sirius frantically said. The boy was fitfully thrashing his arms out in front of him, and making terrified sounds. His legs were kicking and knotted up in the bedsheets, his entire body beaded in sweat.

“No, no…. run…” Lupin mumbled, along with other garbled words.

“He might get angry at us, though!” Peter piped up.

“Stop, no, no no… don’t come… near me….” 

The worst thing about the nightmare Lupin was having for Remus was hearing the boy speaking in his dream, getting little corners and edges of this monstrosity of a dream.

“Mum, dad… stop, no!” 

“Alright, that’s it,” Sirius said, pushed over the edge by the mention of his parents. They were obviously hurting him in this nightmare, which reminded him all to well of his household nightmare.

He leaned over Lupin and gave him a nudge. “Lupin! Lupin, wake up!” He half-whispered. No response.

“Remus! Remus, it’s just a dream!” He said more forcefully, and with a couple jolts from Sirius, Remus turned his sleep-swollen face towards Sirius, his eyes half-lidded and still freshly tainted by the nightmare.

Slowly he came to his senses, and ripped out of Sirius’ grasp on his arm.

 

**Remus:**

 

“Remus! Remus, it’s just a dream!”

Remus woke up to the three faces of his roommates staring down at him. His fight-or-flight response kicked in, immediately wanting to conceal his fragility from them. He ripped his arm away from Black, who had his hand around his arm, and scrambled away from the three of them so quickly that he went over the side of the bed.

“Ahh!” Remus groaned, his injuries from the night before, and he curled up into a ball on the floor, fighting to keep tears in and failing miserably.

“Remus!” Black cried. Wait. He called him Remus. And he had woken him up with his first name too. Why?

“Remus, are you okay?” Before he knew it Potter was crouching next to him, along with Pettigrew and Black. They tried to sit him up, but he cried out and curled up even more tightly, resisting their aid which only made him hurt more.

“Wait, are you hurt?” Pettigrew— no,  _ Peter _ , asked him.

“He obviously is, mate,” James supplied.

“So should we, should we try to move him?” Peter asked. Sirius was silent through all of this, Remus realised, although he couldn’t see what was going on.

Suddenly, he felt three people trying to lift and move him into his bed once more. He cried out in pain again, but they continued. Finally, he felt the soft bed sheets against his side and the pillow on his head.

The others were muttering to each other.

“We should get him to Pomfrey,” James insisted.

“Yeah, I agree,” Peter said.

Sirius said nothing. Remus forced his heavy eyelids open to see Sirius just staring at him. He almost looked on the verge of tears.

“No, no,” Remus said, trying to push himself up. “I’m okay, I just got a bit sick when I was visiting my mum. I’m fine, Madame Pomfrey said I could come back to the dorm.”

“Oh, quit the lies, Remus,” Sirius snapped. It was the first thing he had said since Remus had fallen out of his bed. “We all know this isn’t a sinus infection. You are obviously in physical pain, physically hurt.”

Terror that they had found out gripped Remus. So soon? Was he that terrible at keeping secrets?

“What do you know?” He growled. “Just, leave me alone. Leave me  _ alone _ .”

“You need help—“

“ _ Go away!  _ Leave me be.” Remus was trying to stop the tears pooling behind his eyelids from falling down his face to his trembling lips. He crawled slowly under the covers and hid his face, waiting for them to all leave him be. Eventually, they reluctantly left him to silently cry beneath the shield of his sheets.

 

**James:**

 

“All right, what can we do?” James asked from where he was sitting in their shared bathroom.

“I dunno, what the fuck are we going to do about his parents?” Sirius was pacing along the tiled floor.

“His parents?” Peter looked confused.

“Of course his fucking parents! They’re obviously fucking abusing him!”

“Alright, mate, calm down. We don’t know--”   
Sirius interrupted James completely. “Of course we know! He was fine, went to visit his parents, and came home physically hurt! What other fucking possibility could there be?”

“We don’t know!” James finally raised his voice. He then saw the look of sheer terror smeared across his friend’s face. He remembered that this was a Black who was unlike all the rest of them. “Sorry, mate. Shouldn’t’ve raised my voice.”

There was a lengthy pause. “It’s alright,” Sirius answered quietly.

“Hey, why don’t we tell a professor, just in case?” Peter piped up. The other boys looked at him.

“We definitely should.” James then got up to leave. Sirius and Peter followed.

When he left the bathroom, he looked over at the bed with closed curtains. Remus’ silencing charms weren’t brilliant, although very good for his age. James could still hear the faintest of muffled sobs. He looked back at Sirius, who looked like he was out of breath. James knew about his family, and guessed that they treated him pretty badly. It scared him that his friend had already gone through so much. This issue with Remus couldn’t be helping at all.

They made their way out of the Gryffindor Tower hurriedly, in the direction to Professor McGonagall’s office. On the way, Sirius looked increasingly panicked. It may have been due to them running, but he also seemed to be breathing very shallowly and quickly. His eyes were wide and fixed on something James could not see ahead, but was plaguing Sirius. A memory. At some point, Sirius ran off from Peter and James, towards the grounds.

“Sirius! Sirius, come back!” James hissed, trying to be quiet enough so that Filch or other professors wouldn’t be alarmed to their presence.

Sirius was too fast a runner, and they didn’t have time to go back looking for him.

“Come on, Pete. Let’s first tell McGonagall, then we can get him,” James said. All the same, he looked back worriedly to where Sirius had run off.

“Let’s be quick about it then, eh?” Peter replied, lightly tugging on James’ sleeve.

“Yeah.”

 

**Sirius:**

 

Parents. Fucking parents. They hurt people. They terrify people. Were his parents like Remus’? I mean, his weren’t that bad. Not that bad. Not that bad. Not that bad. Not  _ that _ bad. Not that  _ bad _ .  _ Not _ that bad. Not like—

Sirius let out a sob. Not like Remus’. He realised he was running towards Hagrid’s. Hagrid would know what to do. Hagrid would know.

What did Remus’ parents do to him, that was that bad? That awful? Remus was doubled over in pain. Couldn’t sit up from pain. Couldn’t get back into bed from his pain. Was crying in pain.  _ Crying in pain from what his parents did to him _ . 

He thumped on Hagrid’s door, dizzy from crying and hyperventilating. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe. He had no control. Stay in control, he had to stay in control. Control. His mother had that but he could control other things. He had no control he had no—

“Eh, Sirius? What er yeh doing outside, this late at night?” He saw Sirius’ face and quickly rushed him inside.

“It’s Rem— I mean Lupin. He’s a student. He’s badly hurt and I think his parents did it to him but he denies everything,” Sirius sobbed. At the mention of Remus, Hagrid’s eyes went wide and then soft with concern.

“Er, we should tell a professor,” Hagrid started. But Sirius felt even more panicked. He couldn’t go to a professor in this state, he just couldn’t. 

“Or, we can wait a bit,” added Hagrid. He yawned, but only briefly. “Would you like a cuppa?”

“Yes—yes, please,” Sirius managed to stutter out.

“I have some rock cakes I made this afternoon, would you care to have a couple?” Hagrid beamed at his creations.

“Thank you,” Sirius replied. Hagrid’s rock cakes, they never really were edible but seeing the giant of a man before him beaming always softened Sirius’ feelings towards the rock-hard treats.

“So, what’s going on with Remus?” Hagrid pushed a saucer with some strong black tea and one of his rock cakes. 

“He’s hurt. He came home today from his parents’ and he wasn’t hurt before and now he is.”

“Did he tell you he was visiting his parents?” asked Hagrid.

“Yes, he said his mum was ill and he had to help his dad,” Sirius replied.

“Ah.” Hagrid pauses and took a massive sip from his tiny teacup, clutched held between his pointer finger and thumb. “How was he hurt? Did he say he went to Madame Pomfrey?”

“He seemed to be aching all over, and yes, he did go to Pomfrey.”

“ _ Madame _ Pomfrey, Sirius.”

“Yes, yes, I know. But back to Remus. What can we do? Can we take him away from his parents? Put them in Azkaban?” Sirius urged, and the smallest part of him was wondering what the school would do if he told them about— no. Stop it. This is about Remus.

“Well, did he actually tell you that his parents hurt him?” Hagrid asked, still trying to be comforting at the same time as explaining what he could do, given the situation. 

“Well, no, but why would he? He would try to conceal it if they were! And he wouldn’t tell us why he was hurt! He tried to pretend he just had a cold!” Sirius shouted, and then slammed the teacup on Hagrid’s table with such force that it shattered, and his tea soaked into crumbs from the rock cakes and wood.

“Oh Hagrid, I am so so sorry,” Sirius said before bursting into tears and running to hug him.

“It’s all right, Sirius. It will be okay.”

“No. No it won’t.”

 

**Remus:**

 

They had left him. He heard them open and close the door, their shuffling feet and the silence they left behind. The staticy silence of all the noise around him when he was alone.

“Why am I like this?” He asked the deafening air.

If only he hadn’t fallen asleep. If only he kept his secrets more close to his chest, more concealed from his roommates. He had ruined everything. Surely they would find out that a monster, a  _ beast _ , was sleeping only a few feet from their beds. The thoughts of what they might do made his stomach spin.

He had to stay calm. And so he did the only thing he could do in that moment. He went to find Lily Evans.

The common room was empty, although a fire was mysteriously blazing in the fireplace. Remus shuffles and stood in front of the staircase that lead to the girls staircase. Boys supposedly weren’t able to get up the stairs. So what would happen to him? He didn’t  _ really  _ count as a boy. He wasn’t as much of a boy as his roommates and other boys in general. 

“Lily?” He called up the staircase. No answer. He nudged his feet towards the entrance. He knew he had to go up it, but the pain he would feel from that. Heck. 

Remus swallowed any self respect he ever had and slumped up the staircase.

He failed. 

He tumbled backwards, the staircase becoming a slide that slopes down to the common room.

Remus was on the floor. Remus was a boy. An actual boy. Remus was dazed. He lay there, staring up at the ceiling with golden stars that some seventh year had cast when he entered the common room with Lily earlier that evening. They sparkled at him. The boy male who was not female. The guy person. The male student. What the hell. He wasn’t even focusing on the slightly scratchy maroon rug beneath him. This insane magical school had just validated him. What. The. Hell.

He was a boy.

Remus smiled, and let out a sigh, all the tension he was holding dissipated. He wasn’t almost male, he was a boy. He chuckled.  _ Finally _ . Proof that he was actually a boy.

“Remus?” Lily called down from the top of the staircase, running down the stairs that weren’t a slope anymore to where Remus lay, an elated heap on the floor. 

“Remus, what is it?” Lily asked, now even more concerned for her friend’s wellbeing.

“Hmm?” Remus smiles up at Lily.

“Why did you call me down?” Lily repeated, now very concerned for Remus. “Did you hit your head? What’s wrong? Why are you so happy?”

“Ugh, one at a time, please,” Remus said. He couldn’t process so many questions and how to answer them when they were on top of each other.

“Why did you need me?”

“Oh, I don’t need to talk to you anymore, thank you though.” Remus beamed at the stars, slightly dazed and very giddy.

“Are you okay? I’m worried about how much you’re smiling right now. You never smile this much.” Lily peared down at him, blocking his view with her canopy of hair and face.

“I’m great, thanks,” replied Remus.

“Did you hit your head?”

“No. I’m a boy.” Remus replied, and unsteadily got up from where he had been deposited. “I’m going to bed now. Goodnight!”

“Wha— Remus! I think you hit your head! Remus!” 

“No, I am absolutely fine, don’t worry about me.” He turned and walked up the staircase that lead to the boys’ dormitories— because he was a  _ boy _ — and left Lily standing, still confused, beneath golden orbs.

  
  
  



End file.
